More Tales from the Bed

Last week I posted my “Tales of the Bed,” which I wrote in the early months of 2003. The explanation of my hospital stay and chronic disease is here. Because I was in a German hospital, I had to learn conversational German quickly with half a brain. I had learned Hoch Deutsch (High German) in school so the patients and nurses could understand me, but since they spoke various German dialects, I couldn’t understand them. One patient said it was like talking to an aristocrat– i.e. it would be like not using contractions in English.

Since it has been eleven years since I spoke or used German, I have lost most of it– so no trying to test my German skills. They are almost gone now.

As for German skills, here are more of my hospital escapades:

 

Roommate Politics

There is nothing more treacherous than a nice old lady sharing the same hospital room. Treat her with extreme caution. For your sake, she’ll rearrange the room so that you are unable to get into your closet (bed against the door) as a chance to get more room. Then she will beam in your direction like this was your idea.

Don’t be fooled. Get the nurse to handle this spate of room rearranging. The nurse is usually twice as strong as the old lady and can subdue her.

Signing off from the Edge of the Bed
 

BYOC

No flapping in the breeze with those hospital gowns because in the German hospital you can BYOC (Bring Your Own Clothes). In fact, you are only loaned a gown for surgery.

So bring in the latest fashions and model for your fellow patients. Make-up is not required.

Signing off From the Edge of the Bed

 

Secret medical solution

A symptom of the disease that this fearless reporter has contracted is the uncontrollable nausea. Never fear. The German medical profession has the answer – a POSTUM. This concoction can settle the most unruly stomach.

After a day of investigative work, this reporter has discovered the secret ingredient that controls nausea… brandy.

Signing off From the Edge of the Bed

 

Vacation from the Hospital

– Breaking News –

Some German in-patients are allowed to have an ‘Urlaub vom Krankenhaus’ (Vacation from the Hospital). They are discharged for the weekend and come back on Monday for continuing treatment – just like a job!

New dream of this reporter: one day at home. Old dream: a steak!

Signing off From the Edge of the Bed
 

Out of Body Experiences

After much training, diligence and heavy breathing, this intrepid reporter has begun having her first out-of-body experiences. Yes, folks – my blood runs out of my body and through a machine, then back into the body. Chilling.

Signing off From the Edge of the Bed

3 thoughts on “More Tales from the Bed

    • Lucky man – I stayed almost five weeks. Even then they didn’t want to let me go. It took two years to get into some type of normalcy.

  1. Pingback: And More Tales From the Bed | Cyn Bagley - Poet and Writer

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