I feel the edge of another crisis

I am a patterner. When my head is not fogged by chemo or prednisone, and if I am paying attention to the goings-on of others whether locals or government, I can predict what will happen next. I saw what would happen in my childhood if I ran away from some unbearable circumstances. If any of the choices I had been presented had been better, I would have taken them. I could see that my life would be hell when my parents began to go strange. I can even pinpoint when they began that downward descent in 1969.

I used that same ability in the Navy when I was an electronics tech. I have an affinity for sound. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an opera singer. I do have a natural 3 and 1/2 octave voice, which when trained can stretch even farther. When I finally reached the end of my resources, I knew that I would never enjoy singing in front of crowds. Plus I do have an extreme problem with stage fright. I think I could have worked around it if I had any choices. Once again I didn’t.

As an electronics tech, I became a good troubleshooter and a good teacher. I trained tons of new techs in the equipment and how to recognize when something was wrong. Two of my techs were awarded honors for their abilities that I honed. Of course, the teacher/trainer is never recognized except through more work. I was given more of the new techs than any E-5 even though I was the newest E-5 in the mat shop.

I just see patterns and can help others to see the same patterns.

So today my stomach is clenching and I am feeling the edge of another change that won’t be so benevolent for me and mine. How do I know? I felt this way when I realized that I couldn’t run away from my parents and that the other children relied on me.

I will spare you the details. It seems that I am feeling the crash of health, of work, of my writing, of the world in my head and heart and I want to find a place to duck and cover.

I am afraid.

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