Out of the Fog and into the Light

double rainbowSo finally today, I woke up without that lingering brain fog I get when I am sick and taking meds to make the symptoms better. You know what I mean– the brain just doesn’t work well. You stare off in space or the TV and don’t know what you watched or even if you liked it.

I have experienced brain fog many times since I was diagnosed with Wegener’s Granulomatosis. When I was first ill with the disease, I was put on IV Cytoxan and very high dosage of prednisone. Both of these meds can cause brain fog so in combination the brain, in self-defense, completely quits working. I was basically a vegetable for almost six months. My late-hubby would ask me if I had taken my pills, if I were hungry, or if I needed to go to the bathroom.

I lost connection to both my short term and long term memory. It was the most frightening experience of my life. At my worst I was too fogged up to be frightened. As I was weaned off the prednisone and changed to a different chemo-therapy, my brain came back and I went through shock, grief, and worry. I still worry that I will once again lose that part of me that makes me intelligent and creative.

So staring into the void, unable to think is frightening. No wonder those folks who have severe chronic illnesses are also on anti-anxiety meds.

I can look at this bout with the flu and say, “It was hard for about three days, but not like when I was first diagnosed. I can live through it.”

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to write stories. I have two novels sitting there and waiting for me to come back to them. I just can’t work through brain fog. But it is lifting. Plus my brain isn’t stuttering as much.

I made a conscious decision when I put up the holly and tinsel tree this year that I need to do things that make me happy. So now that I am feeling much much better (only coughing once or twice a day now and usually in the evening), I am dancing with the doggy. I made her a red sweater for the season.

She is now sleeping at my feet as I once again start the habit of writing again.

May your Christmas, Hanukkah,  and Yule season be full of family and happiness.

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