On the Darkside of 2015

So I was up very early this morning before the sun peaked over the hills. Now, pink and peach mixed with dark blue sits on the horizon. This year 2015 is on its last breaths. It is too obvious to say that the new year starts tomorrow.

2015 was the year that I learned to live with a dog and without a husband, may he rest in peace. At the end of 2014, I still waited each evening after 5 p.m. to hear his footsteps. He would unlock the front door of our apartment and then I would hug and hold him. We did this little ritual for twenty-two years. Now I don’t look for him at five. My new ritual is I put food in the dog’s bowl.

I don’t listen for footsteps anymore. If I do hear them, it is usually coming from upstairs or next door.

2015 was the year that I learned that because I have lived through a decade of illness, doesn’t make the doctors impressed with my abilities to survive. In fact there seems to be an attitude in some of the hospitals that I should have died by now. I blame it on the callousness of ACA. I see a difference between what the doctors used to do and what they are allowed to do. I wonder sometimes if this will affect how people with chronic illness are treated in the future. How many people will live or die because it wasn’t in the allowed treatment plan.

2015 was the year that I learned that I could write again. I still struggle with putting my butt in my chair and writing… just writing. Now I know that I do have something interesting to say.

2015 was the year that I went to a therapist. When a non-judgmental person showed interest in my life and views, I was able to heal. I was not thriving before that — I was just waiting for my life to finish so that I could be with my late-husband.

This person validated my life. I could look back and see that my foundation is sound. I could look forward and realize that I still had things to do in my life.

Even though I have a chronic illness, even though I have reached my fifties, I still have a lot that I am supposed to do. I still have a lot to write.

So 2014 was an impossible year. 2015 was the year I began to dig from the depths of grief to some balance.

I will grieve for the end of my days. My late-husband taught me about companionship, family, and humor. Still 2016 looks brighter from the darkside of 2015. It looks much much brighter.

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