So I had an interruption

I won’t get into the details, but this last week was incredibly stressful. The only hint I am going to give is that it was about money. So yea, incredibly stressful– but I don’t want to talk about what caused the stress. It will only make my mind roll and loop until all I can think of is how to fix an unfixable problem.

What I want to discuss is what I do to snap myself out of such loops and stresses. It isn’t easy because when I see a problem or an injustice, I want to fix it. If I can’t fix it, then I want to discipline. When I see a problem, that is the point where I try the cooperation thing. You know–talk to the company or representative. When I find that the person or thing is not interested in cooperation or even in a little give and take, I go immediately into the Viking mode.

There are folks here who know what I mean. I come from a family who are mostly Nordic and can claim berserker blood in their genes. The scientific world is seeing this as the MAO gene. At one point they thought that predominantly criminals would have this gene, which turned out to be false. Folks who have this gene spend a lot of their time learning ways to keep these impulses under control. To others who don’t have to deal with this emotional turmoil, it looks like the person who is controlling themselves are control freaks.

So what do I do when I reach the boiling point?

I used to have a stuffed bear that would fall to pieces when I threw it against a wall. It would make a satisfying thunk and then I would come to my senses. I would put the bear back together for another time when I the stress levels got too high. However, I learned this last few years in therapy that using violence to relieve those feels i.e. throw the bear or thump the pillow reinforces the violence. So I am trying a few new ways, which take daily practice.

Meditation:

When I practice meditation daily, it takes a lot more stress to reach the mind loops. When I am in a mind loop, I found that if I light a candle and just watch the flame for fifteen minutes that my mind will go quiet. It is a very useful tool when my mind has become unruly.

QiGong (or Tai chi):

This is also a daily practice that will quiet my mind. Once again it needs to be practiced daily. It gives the mind other grooves besides the one– of hurt and betrayal. When I focus on how my body moves, the mind doesn’t have time to ruminate.

Walk:

I go outside with the dog and walk around the property. When I begin to see the birds and rabbits, then I know that my mind is quieting. The dog is so joyful when we walk that I can’t stay stressed. Her tail wags back and forth and she walks purposefully. We travel at speed.

Recently, I was told that many of these techniques are called “grounding” in the mental health fields. I think of it as keeping my mind busy with something else so it stops making ruts in my mind. I have worked had to overcome many childhood problems–and I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of victim and betrayal.

Still when I get this stressed it takes days to get back into my peace. This time though I went for help. Considering that I have been a very independent woman and solved most of my problems myself or tried, this is a real break-through. It didn’t take months or years before I asked for help. I asked within days.

So now I am ready to write Unlicensed Sorceress. I now have some experiences that will enrich Hilda’s frustration with agencies. I wonder if she will solve her problems with her mind, magic, or sword?

7 thoughts on “So I had an interruption

  1. It takes a great deal of insight, self-talk, work and time to learn to recognize and deal with such triggers and stresses. As someone with complex PTSD from extreme childhood abuse and repeated traumas, I too, have been on a path of learning. Asking for help is a big one – and it takes a lot of courage to do so. I abhor violence and have managed, with only very few, and very minor instances (I once threw a bar of soap against a wall) to avoid it. But the sense that only lashing out will extract the kind of response needed it a strong one.

    Kudos to you for fighting that big fight. You’re not alone.

    • I am so sorry to hear of your extreme childhood. It leaves scars. I know mine did. Plus there are triggers– I try to keep them under control though. 🙂 There was a LOT of violence in my childhood– so I had to teach myself less violent ways of dealing with frustration.

      • Thank you. Yes, my childhood was filled with violence – but also psychological torture. My last therapist finally recognized that as what my father learned as a prisoner in Dachau – which he then used on my mother, sister, and me. My mother withdrew emotionally, so there was no one to rely on. Yet, both my sister and I remain relatively well adjusted. Yet I managed to raise two wonderful kids who have never been on the receiving end of parental abuse. That is my proudest achievement. As the song says, “We will overcome”.

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