The past is always behind us

P1000318 At 38, I thought that I was preparing for a new life where I taught writing, particularly creative writing and that my late-hubby would retire and play.

My entire life changed at 41. I ended up in a German hospital for almost five weeks, which I almost didn’t survive.

All of my dreams were ripped apart. His, too.

It took me two years to finally train my brain enough to write again.

I had worked my entire life since I was sixteen and the thought of staying out of the workforce was a foreign concept to me.

I did try to work when I started to feel better at the end of that second year. Because I was in close quarters with other people, I got sick again and was told that if I worked in that environment I wouldn’t survive very long.

This is my past.  Why I mention these experiences is that I recently talked to my nephrologist about having more energy. She is just over five feet with a name like Dr. Fang. You’d be right in thinking she is Asian. I am respectful of her because she has kept my kidneys function these last three years. That is no mean feat.

So when I asked about more energy, she laughed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but you have more energy now than most. It just gets worse from here.”

I started to think of all the things I have been able to do and what I have done since my illness. If I keep up this pace, I will do more than I did as a young woman. Oh yes, I traveled to South Africa, Japan, Panama, and Germany. I lived in Florida for a short while. I met some great people and some not so great people. It was the usual. In those days while I was having adventures, ironically I wanted to write stories.

So the past has come and gone. But it is the past that reminds me that every moment I write and every moment I breathe is precious.

I have less guarantees for a healthy life than most. It doesn’t mean I should curl up and die. I won’t.


6 thoughts on “The past is always behind us

  1. The desire for more energy – or rather half the energy I had 20 years ago – is a constant with me. I resent not being able to do the things I used to. At 69 and with several physical issues that involve chronic pain it feels like I have been robbed. Yet, I also know that I have so much more than many others. I try to keep that in mind. Sometimes I fail. Just to be pain free would be wonderful.

  2. When I was 26 I worked two full time jobs for a year. Some days were tough, but for the most part I did OK. When I quit the 2nd job I had more time on my hands, but struggled to get the same things done at home that I did before. I seemed to be much more organized when I was super constrained for time, and could actually get more done.

    Then when I was 38 (almost 39) I had my first (and only) child. She refused to sleep well and would get up at 0200 some times for the day. It took until she was almost four to start sleeping all night, though occasionally (about once a month) she’ll get up at 0400 and be up for all day. I would get up to take care of her since my wife had to go to work in the morning and I would try to get a nap in at some point before going to work in the evening. It was worse than working the two full time jobs. I had no energy, even though I’d get about the same amount of sleep. Now that she’s sleeping better, I still don’t get as much done as I would like.

    Getting old sucks! And that’s my only real excuse, because I’ve been lucky to be relatively healthy.

    Hope you are feeling well.

    • Dang yes– and getting old sucks as well. I’m doing okay. So far I have dodged that really bad flu that is going around by staying isolated. Hope you are doing okay too. My brother had his second child recently and he is 42. He’s finding it a lot of work (the baby was a preemie). So good luck.

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