Last night I dreamed.
It is not like I don’t dream. I have dreamed most of my life. Sometimes the dreams have been so clear that I’ve written about them. I wonder sometimes if my dream life is more interesting than this reality.
But last night was different. Lately I have had a reoccurring dream of losing my purse. I wasn’t upset about the money. I think in my dream, I carried about one hundred dollars. I was mostly upset about the driver’s license and the keys to my house. The thought that any one could get into my house with my keys made me panic. Plus I was upset that I would have to re-assert my identity. Who would believe me without my purse and keys?
It might be one of my worst fears that my personality would be lost. I have experienced this loss before. I think that I should give this some context. When I was on high dosages of prednisone coupled with cytoxan, my mind was filled with hallucinations and my emotions were not stable.
People who didn’t know me counseled my late-hubby to put me in a care center for mentally disrupted people. He refused. He told me later that not one of the doctors or nurses had known me before the medications and the disease. So when he died, my worst fear was realized. Without him, there is no one in my life who knows me well enough to be in my corner when the medications warp my personality.
It doesn’t help that I am an introvert. According to the new findings, I would be classified as a social introvert. I can only bear to be around a few people at a time. When I am in a social situation for too long I get tired and shut down. It also doesn’t help that my immune system shuts down as well. Even when I am having fun, I don’t gain energy from too many people.
I took one of those tests. I found that I have qualities of all the “new” types of introversion. I laughed because life has never been easy for me. It is much easier to dream and to write.
I bless the invention of the internet and blogs. I can actually show the well that is so deep in me. Most people have no idea the depths I plumb when they meet me in person. They think I’m athletic or something else. It never occurs to them that I am a thinker and a worrier.
I learned something when I was very young and very shy. If I wanted to do something, I would square my shoulders, take a deep breath, and face it. I had to do it to join the Navy. I had to do it to go to college. I have had to do it on every new thing I have tried.
I don’t want to be the one with regrets. I don’t want to be the one hidden in shadows. I don’t want to be the bitter one. I could be all of these.
So like a leaf in the stream of time, I am sending out these thoughts. I hope it will help someone else. And maybe someone else will see me… instead of my outer persona.
As a sidenote– in honor of Liberty Con and the 4th of July– Hilda’s Inn for Retired Heroes will be free from July 3-5.
In Delhaven, there is an Inn run by a retired mercenary. If you are a down-on-your-luck mercenary or men-at-arms, come to the public rooms and Hilda Brant, the owner, will give you a bowl of stew. If you want ale, hand over the coins. Hilda may give you floor space, but she expects you to pay in favors or coins.