Be careful what you wish for

woman lying on white sand beach

Photo by Riccardo Bresciani on

When I was very young, my dad and I would sit on the grass and watch the stars. As the first star shone, he taught me to say:

“Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish
I wish tonight.”

A child’s wish is very powerful.

When I was only six, I made a list of the things I wanted to do when I was an adult. On my list were two really important things. 1) I wanted to go to college. No one in my family had been to college. I don’t know what I wanted to learn there, but I had this burning need for knowledge.

My second wish was that I would travel. I wanted to see the world. I had at least one destination in mind–Japan. As I became a pre-teen I put those dreams on hold. I already knew that I had a higher intelligence than most of my peers. I was also the youngest in all of my classes.

Still my parents decided to leave me bored and unhappy. In second grade I was so bored, I read the entire reading list in one week. Then I started to bring books to school to read. I would give part of my brain to the teacher. If I already knew the subject, I wouldn’t listen until I had to take a test. I skated through school this way, making As and Bs.

When I reached the ripe age of thirteen, my parents decided to home school us. At that time my actual learning stopped and I was expected to teach my siblings basic math and reading. My parents had my life mapped out for me. I would work, get an educational degree, and teach children. I was so good at it. I would be married and have my own children then.

When I reached my early twenties and found that I wasn’t going to accomplish either of my dreams, I think I hit bottom. My parents wants for me contradicted my wants for me. I could follow them or I could break free.

I decided to break free. I joined the US Navy and became an electronics tech. I met my husband there, then when I left the Navy I acquired a degree in English Literature. I was 42 when I managed to accomplish that goal. In the Navy and afterward, I traveled to Japan, Panama, and Germany. I even spent a couple of years in South Africa.

Wishes are powerful things. What I didn’t know was that to gain what I wanted, I did sacrifice stability. My life up to now has been constant change. Sometimes I wonder if I would had been ill if I had taken that other path. But I know, deep down inside, that if I had caved, I would be a bitter unhappy woman and empty of experiences.

So wish– and be careful what you wish for– because you might get it.


Tis the season

otto-tuneMemorial Day is one of those hard holidays for me. I remember what I am missing, mainly my late-husband, Otto.

The one thing that sticks with me about him was his sense of humor.  The other thing was that he loved animals. Tequila, the little Chihuahua in his arms, would run up to him every evening and he would pick her up and hold her. She would sigh and he would relax.

The feral cats in the apartment complex would come and visit. The day he went into the hospital for the last time, three of the cats came to say goodbye.

He had even made friends with the Scrub Jays by supplying them with peanuts. He used to tell me that most people didn’t look up. There was so many things happening above us. Even now I remember the names of birds and their calls, just because he would point them out to me when I was so sick that I couldn’t even remember my own name.

The hurt never completely goes away.

I know I am a better person for having known him. I just wish every day that he was still here.


My lying eyes

cynnavy If you’ve read anything about me, you already know that I was in the US Navy between 1988-1994. I went to boot camp in Orlando, Florida and then went to Pensacola, Florida for my rate training as a CTM, which meant I was an electronics technician with a security clearance.

This is a me after I was frocked. Frocking means that you get the rank before you get paid. In my case it was six months later.

I was at the NTTC Corry Station, Pensacola Florida for training when the “Lee Mirecki incident” occurred. Pensacola was flooded with journalists after the incident. I was a lowly E-1 at the time (Seaman) and we were told by our leaders that someone had drowned during his rescue training. We were also told that we could be waylaid by journalists outside the base.

Our only response to the journalists would be “no comment.” If we even expressed our opinions about the incident and it was printed or broadcasted that there would be consequences. At that time we understood consequences. We had gone through classes where they told us outright the worst things that could happen to us if we let slip any classified material. It was considered just short of treason.

Luckily for me I was never cornered by a young earnest journalist, looking for the ins and outs of a good story.


I don’t have an opinion now. I’ve never been through that training so I don’t know if what they did to that young man was justified. I don’t know if those involved were punished. I’m sure they were. Having been in the Navy, the Uniform Code of Military Justice has a lot of ways these men could have been punished short of a Court Martial.

We live in a world that has so much information. We have to spend most of our time shifting what we see and hear on the news. Every piece of news and every piece of information is not pure, it is twisted by the person who reports or uses it.

After being in a classified area, I discount everything I see and hear going across the news. My lying eyes know that it is twisted to benefit someone else or some other cause. When I finally perceive the cause then I know a small portion of the truth.

Was this young man bullied? I don’t think Lee was bullied anymore than any shiny new recruit who was training in a difficult job. Were there mistakes made? Oh hell yes. I don’t excuse his death. And yes, it was one hell of a mistake.

My lying eyes know that this isn’t the first training mistake and death of a young man in a training incident. It won’t be the last. Just recently we lost a Thunderbird pilot to a crash in Nevada. The C.O. of that base is probably having each one of those planes checked thoroughly and the pilots and crews are going through extreme training right now. The tech who fixed his plane is probably shaking in his boots too.

The Army has had their share of training accidents as well. It is part of training for war.

I do see things differently since I was in uniform. Just so you know it is still a major part of my personality even now.


Living in the high desert

Willow Creek Cyn 1975

Shot by Stan Anderson in 1975. I’m on the mustang and I was 14 that year.

This weekend my nephew and my brother were cooking buffalo meat and I was invited for Sunday dinner. My nephew is half-Ute so he has connections with the Ute Tribe in northeastern Utah. It was a surprise when he told me that the area I lived in in the mid 70s was where they had seeded a herd of mountain buffalo.

Even more interesting, that dirt road you see in the picture is now paved. When I lived there we were sixty miles from the nearest town. We grew all of our vegetables and fought the raccoons and coyotes from our plants and animals.

We brought our drinking water in because the wells in the area bubbled up sulfur and smelled like rotten eggs. The place had been hunted so much that the only predators were black bears. We even had hunters come in several times a year to clear the place from bears too. There hadn’t been a wolf seen in decades by that time.

Now they have buffalo, mountain goats, and wolves. They even have wild turkeys. We brought in the turkeys when we moved there. When we left, we left them there.

The reason we were there is that my father had gotten a job as a foreman to run the ranch for the Ute Tribe. We left when they decided to hire one of their own. So yes, I have lived on the reservation even though I am a white woman.

At the time I was there, we washed our clothes in ditches. We boiled our water to take bathes in tubs. We didn’t have electricity although we did haul in propane for our stoves. When the summer days got to hot we would go into the basement to cool off. We slept down there. We didn’t have AC or a lot of the modern conveniences of our neighbors.

I do remember those days with some fondness. Still I won’t do that again. It was too much work and too hard. I had a lot of responsibility for the care and tending of my brothers and sisters. I wanted to be free and run wild.

Still I am quite amused that someone decided to turn that place into a buffalo refuge. Then they paved the road. I can’t get my mind around how someplace so isolated has a paved road. Every spring the road still washes out even with the pavement. I remember times in the spring where I could collect 4-6 inches of mud on my boots when I went out to do the chores.

So I know the reason why farm families have so many kids. I also know why many farm kids want to escape this life. It is tough–tougher than you can imagine.

When I write about the “high desert” I am writing of what I know. The people who come from that environment are hardy and able because they can’t depend on anyone else to save them. It is an unforgiving environment. It is a deadly beauty.

Jukebox Hero


CC0 Public Domain blitzmaerker

On the matter of gifts.

Some of us have been given a wide variety of gifts. You might say we are blessed. In my case I was singing since I was a young child. I had sisters who were better performers, but I had one of the highest sweetest voices in my elementary school.

Still my parents told me at a young age that my talent was music appreciation rather than singing. I believed them. Even when I went to college and worked hard to get a degree in music, in the back of my mind there was a voice saying that I wasn’t good enough. I just wasn’t quite good enough. So I turned my back on music and used other gifts of intelligence and memory.

What I have learned in a very hard way is that if you don’t use a gift, then you will eventually lose it. I might lose my voice or at least my singing voice. But, I would rather live than die, which seems to be the way all my decisions go lately. So I will have the surgery and I will let my throat and voice heal.

A year or so ago I decided to join a choir. Because I could read music, I was put in the alto section as a high alto. My voice was rusty because it had been so long since I had reached the high notes. Starting as an alto was fun and reminded my voice that it could soar. I didn’t understand why my partner was so excited. She kept telling the choir manager, who was two seats away from me that they needed to keep me. Then before I started this search into why I was feeling so ill, my voice began to croak at inconvenient times.

What I didn’t know was the croaking was a symptom of a thyroid problem.

Believe me I had no idea that my voice was had that clear quality that pleased other ears. I am over fifty and I could still hear my father say that my voice would never amount to anything so I needed to be grateful that I had an ear for music.

I have other gifts I have developed. I used to be quite intelligent. I am not bragging. It is just another gift like being able to draw or write. I do envy people who have the talent of organization or leadership. It has been quite a shock to find out that my native intelligence is contingent on the healthiness of my body. When I am on certain chemicals to keep my body from relapsing, I lose much of that intelligence. The body is quite a marvelous piece of engineering.

I have always been a poet, but I didn’t start developing my gifts in writing until I went to college the second time. This time I went into English Literature with a minor in German History. Every semester I would end up writing two term papers for each class and various writing projects. It was academic writing. The sheer volume of writing made me grow and learn.

I admit that Creative Writing is a different beast altogether. When I decided to move from poetry to short stories and novels, I didn’t realize that I was going through a new apprenticeship. I have to admit it has been fun and continues to be a learning experience.

If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.

Singing is the one talent that I haven’t been able to use. Now I am facing the end of it. As a teenager, I desired to sing. It was a burning in my chest and throat. Everything around me was sound and I loved it. Even with the crippling stage fright that now I know was generated by my parents, I wanted to sing.

In my mind I see myself in a long red dress in front of a small intimate jazz band. I sing the blues. Maybe in another dimension and another time–another me sings.

The horror— Children’s Rhymes


From Pixabay

Ring around the Rosies
a pocket full of posies
ashes, ashes
we all fall down

This was our version of a children’s nursery rhyme that I played when I was in elementary school–in the 60s. The origin of this play rhyme dates back to at least 1665 or maybe even farther. Some scholars think it was a child’s rhyme about the Black Plague… and others have debunked it. But in this world of offended and re-offended people, if we look too closely we could turn this into a racist rant.

Here is what a Nicki from the Liberty Zone has to say about the colorful history that is making the rounds–starting with Eenie, Meenie, Minee, Moe– a child’s counting rhyme. So what is making the offended even more offended? It’s a “Walking Dead” T-shirt. Personally I don’t watch that show. I am terribly prejudiced against “zombies.” Especially the kind that like to catch and eat “brains.” So don’t start screeching because I am a zombie-hater.

What I am saying is that so many of these rhymes come from our distant past. Many of them have been re-purposed (a word or two changed) to make them more acceptable. I don’t have a problem with that– my ears are not as tender as some.

I do have a problem with eradicating our distant past. For instance, when mathematics were first introduced, it was for accounting. A person who could count above their fingers had a better chance of accurately knowing how much property they had. It was magical. You could say that the families who taught their children counting games had a leg up from other families.

I wonder sometimes how many of our children will be able to use their numbers if we do go into a dystopia world. How many of them could do the simple mathematics?

It does bother me when we throw the “baby out with the bathwater.”

I would rather see children playing circle games outside than be inside on the floor watching TV or playing video games.

Plus we do forget what it was like to be a child. Many of the rhymes I learned came from other children instead of the parents. We forget that children have a complete subculture that is hidden from adults.

So yea, let the children play with nursery rhymes and circle games. Let them describe their world from their eyes.

So I had an interruption

I won’t get into the details, but this last week was incredibly stressful. The only hint I am going to give is that it was about money. So yea, incredibly stressful– but I don’t want to talk about what caused the stress. It will only make my mind roll and loop until all I can think of is how to fix an unfixable problem.

What I want to discuss is what I do to snap myself out of such loops and stresses. It isn’t easy because when I see a problem or an injustice, I want to fix it. If I can’t fix it, then I want to discipline. When I see a problem, that is the point where I try the cooperation thing. You know–talk to the company or representative. When I find that the person or thing is not interested in cooperation or even in a little give and take, I go immediately into the Viking mode.

There are folks here who know what I mean. I come from a family who are mostly Nordic and can claim berserker blood in their genes. The scientific world is seeing this as the MAO gene. At one point they thought that predominantly criminals would have this gene, which turned out to be false. Folks who have this gene spend a lot of their time learning ways to keep these impulses under control. To others who don’t have to deal with this emotional turmoil, it looks like the person who is controlling themselves are control freaks.

So what do I do when I reach the boiling point?

I used to have a stuffed bear that would fall to pieces when I threw it against a wall. It would make a satisfying thunk and then I would come to my senses. I would put the bear back together for another time when I the stress levels got too high. However, I learned this last few years in therapy that using violence to relieve those feels i.e. throw the bear or thump the pillow reinforces the violence. So I am trying a few new ways, which take daily practice.


When I practice meditation daily, it takes a lot more stress to reach the mind loops. When I am in a mind loop, I found that if I light a candle and just watch the flame for fifteen minutes that my mind will go quiet. It is a very useful tool when my mind has become unruly.

QiGong (or Tai chi):

This is also a daily practice that will quiet my mind. Once again it needs to be practiced daily. It gives the mind other grooves besides the one– of hurt and betrayal. When I focus on how my body moves, the mind doesn’t have time to ruminate.


I go outside with the dog and walk around the property. When I begin to see the birds and rabbits, then I know that my mind is quieting. The dog is so joyful when we walk that I can’t stay stressed. Her tail wags back and forth and she walks purposefully. We travel at speed.

Recently, I was told that many of these techniques are called “grounding” in the mental health fields. I think of it as keeping my mind busy with something else so it stops making ruts in my mind. I have worked had to overcome many childhood problems–and I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of victim and betrayal.

Still when I get this stressed it takes days to get back into my peace. This time though I went for help. Considering that I have been a very independent woman and solved most of my problems myself or tried, this is a real break-through. It didn’t take months or years before I asked for help. I asked within days.

So now I am ready to write Unlicensed Sorceress. I now have some experiences that will enrich Hilda’s frustration with agencies. I wonder if she will solve her problems with her mind, magic, or sword?