It’s a good day for shining your shoes

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Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Pexels.com

I’ve wondered if the so-called Monday blues was only because I come from a culture that works hard Monday through Friday and then plays hard on Saturday and Sunday.

I get that “I don’t want to work.” I really do. I started my first job outside of my family when I had just turned sixteen. I was a cashier at a steak restaurant. It was the fanciest one in our town. I worked the counter for a few months and then the owner taught me how to count back money. The hours were late, but I have to admit that I enjoyed that job. I also had to get out of my extreme introversion. I was grateful that there was a script of how I should talk to the customer.

Yes, the owner wasn’t leaving anything to chance. He told us what to say. i think he took a particular interest in me because he saw I was smart, young, pretty and had a great memory. How times have changed. My brain has really dropped since chemo and immuno therapy.

The reason I left that job is that my mother decided to quit. If she quit, then both my sister and I had to quit too. I think my sister bussed tables. To be fair, it was over forty years ago.

I was a farm girl before that. Taking care of animals is an every day thing. So before I went to work outside the farm, I hadn’t understood the “Monday blues.”

Its easy for my emotions to slide into the blues category. With a mind like mine on prescriptions, I can get into these loops and ruts that can take me down. I have a few tricks for that though.

  1. I take a nap. Sometimes I start to slide because I am overtired.
  2. I eat something. Sometimes I start to slide because I am hungry.
  3. I take vitamins. With being on immuno suppressants for years, my body doesn’t break down vitamins very well in food. Vit E, Vit D3, and Vit B2 are essential for me.
  4. I take a break and  walk.

So it is food, exercise, and sleep that are the main ingredients for helping me get out of that slide. Plus when I loop because everything is going to shit around me, I use the app “Calm” for a brain break.

But my biggest weapon against the blues is music, especially Peggy Lee’s It’s a Good Day as I am walking the dog. I think this was one of my grandfather’s favorite songs.

On another note, I am sharing a link to Stephanie Osborn’s Alpha and Omega first book in her Division One series. Reading is another way I get out of the blues.

Happy Reading.

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State of the Writer

IMG_0708So yea, I’ve been having a year of procrastination. A lot has to do with my health and medications. A few months ago my doctors thought it would be a good idea to try out medications for cholesterol and gout. It didn’t end well. It also didn’t help my writing brain.

Today I want to make an accounting and let you know what I have on my writing plate. No excuses.

Since January, I decided to take down “Shira: Hero of Corsindor,” and do an edit. What happened is that the edit turned into a complete rewrite. I’m almost halfway through with this project. I actually printed out the entire thing. I changed the name to Hero of Corsindor. Yes, the one in the Tuesday Snippet. I am working on this one daily and my deadline for the rewrite is September 30, 2018.

Also in January, I took a course with Dean W. Smith called “Depth in Writing.” It actually turned my writing upside down. Whenever I take one of his courses, I feel like my skin is being ripped off and it takes me a few weeks to get that thick skin back. I’ve taken four of his courses now and I have come out a better writer each time. I would like to be more prolific.

These are the projects that are in orbit, waiting to land:

  1. Xandra Peel – a story of a hybrid ogre-human who survives both people and Fae in a post-apocalyptic world.
  2. Unlicensed Sorceress – third book in the Hilda’s Inn world. Hilda has proven she has elemental powers and gets training in a highly political environment.
  3. I’m not dead, yet – non-fiction memoir of the last ten years of surviving WG/GPA, thyroid cancer, and Stage IV kidney disease
  4. The third book in the EJ Hunter world – I don’t know why but this one wants to percolate in my subconscious. The captured boy in the first book wants a voice.

There is a few more on my list, but I am not listing them here. I want to finish these first.

In my short story offerings, I am writing more “Green Knight Terraforming Company” stories. I am going to write more shorts as warm-ups.

One things I have learned is that saying I am going to do something, and actually doing it are two different things. So my next goal is to write every day, even if it is only a sentence or two.

I have no excuse. Even if I find myself on a dialysis machine, I can write during those two or more hours.

I was asked recently if I could see a future. I answered, no. There are too many health variables in my life. I do know two things: I want to finish what I write, and I want to care for my dog. At this time– that has to be enough.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

otto-tune It has been two years since I held his hand as he slipped away from me. His christian name was Edward Dave Tune, but I called him Otto.

He wasn’t a Saint. His sense of humor was what took him through life and it is the one thing that I miss the most. So it is fitting that he died on “Talk like a Pirate Day.”

I used to have dreams that we buy an RV and go from State to State– sometimes in my dreams we would fly from planet to planet and find new places and new scenery.

He was the one that had no fear. He would stand on roofs and the edge of mountains. I am the cautious one. I would stand behind him on the cliffs so I wouldn’t fall. I miss that he would protect me. Up until I met him, I had never had anyone protect me. My exterior is tough because I have had to be that way. It was the same for him. He could scare people with just a look.

Inside I considered him my soft teddy bear. With him I was a better person, a kinder person. So I think of him with a tinge of sadness because I miss him so gawd damn much. I was much better with him. Yet,  I am so grateful that we had twenty-two years together.

RIP my sweetie.

A day, a day, and another day

So I had an appointment on Tuesday, a lunch on Wednesday, and another appointment today. Then at the beginning of next week after the holiday, I need to get my labs done to check my kidneys. In between I have been looking critically at what I have overflowing in closets and other spaces, and I have decided to get things cleaned, sold, or given away while I have the energy.

There is a thought in the back of my mind that I won’t have the time or energy to complete all of this in three months. Don’t ask me what is going to happen in three months because I don’t know. When I think that far ahead, I feel a heaviness that tells me another big change is coming.

I used to like change. When I was younger, moving to a new place wasn’t scary. I thought that adventure was seeing new places and making new friends. Then off I would go to another adventure in a new place with new friends. It changed when I had my huge health change. It wasn’t just a scare– it was an entire change of life. I had orders that I couldn’t be around large groups of people. Since I live near Las Vegas, it meant that while I was on a chemo like Cytoxan, I couldn’t go to events, theaters, or malls. My late-hubby used to take me to malls during the time of day when most people were doing other things. I carried wet wipes and we would wipe down every bench before I sat. I would walk twenty feet and then have to sit down again. Those were survival days.

When I lost my hubby, it was another huge change. It changed my physical, social, and mental frame of reference. I am still dealing with the aftershocks. I suspect this change that I am dreading has to do with my kidneys.

I notice that I cramp more at night even when I take vitamins and drink enough water. Sometimes I have a low- grade fever. Both of these symptoms can cause sleep deprivation which can cause the short-term cognitive problems. Or it might be the kidneys again. So last night I slept like the dead. It was good. The little doggy jumped up and down on my side before I woke up. I could have slept another two hours.

So I am beginning to dread change– change means illness and more problems to solve. Change means that when I move, I can’t carry those heavy boxes, like I used to do. It means that when I move the furniture, I spend two to three days resting.

Change means that I meet new people and worry about getting new infections. On the other hand, I have met others who are dealing with some of the same problems. Plus I am learning tolerance for the ill and infirmed. Sadly, I had to become one of them before I could feel for them.

Still– I have cleared out things that I haven’t used or seen used in a decade or more. The apartment feels lighter.

Something about Quantum Mechanics

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CC0 Public Domain. DasWortgewand

Lately I have been reading about weird government programs such as “remote viewing,” a program that is immortalized in “Men Who Stare At Goats.” The movie has George Clooney as the main character. I saw the movie when it first aired on Netflix a few years ago. Then I dismissed it as fiction.

What got me interested in this subject was a you-tube video in the Dark Matter channel, where Art Bell interviews one of the remote viewers. My first reaction is “this can’t be right.” Why would they use military personnel for basically a psychic untested theory? So I went further and researched the heck out of it.

After reading four accounts of folks who worked in the program and a little online search, and found to my shock that it was true. There are only a few reasons that government agencies would use this type of program. One, the Russians were using psychic spying. Yes, they were. Two, the program had a high success rate. Considering the program ran approximately twenty years, it had a good success rate until it lost funding and was turned over to the CIA. Of course, the CIA gave it the coup de grace in 1995.

So where does this put me??? A naysayer? A person who truly believed that psychic phenomenon couldn’t be measured? If you read the accounts, the remote viewers describe it as a virtual video game instead of a psychic experience because they use the entire body. Some call it a “martial art of the mind.”

It’s been a wild journey through my brain as I read these accounts. We are more connected and less isolated than we believe. We live in a Quantum world instead of the Newtonian world, we had always known.

Some of this I could see as a fiction story– and might have been written in the 1950s by one of the classic sci-fi authors. It blows my mind that this program is in the past and not the future.

Some of these remote viewers started teaching their techniques to ordinary people and to natural psychics. Some of these remote viewers help find kidnapped children.

Let’s explore interconnectedness. It means that the good wishes and prayers have an effect on all of us.  A few decades ago, I was blown away when we found that the brain had weak electrical fields. Now researchers have an “Electromagnetic Brain Theory.” Go and read that one and you’ll think you were living in the future.

I don’t know why this is so fascinating to me. I know that after all this reading, some of it will find its way into my stories.

It’s been a month

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Pixabay Amber Avalona (Public Domain) https://pixabay.com/en/users/AmberAvalona-1512238/

I’ll start with an apology. I can’t believe that it has been this long since I have pontificated on health, writing, and/or my dog. It’s been a wild ride lately. Near the end of my day, I get a low-grade fever and then in the morning, I am fine again.

I have been doing QiGong, a moving meditation, for centering. In many ways it is reminiscent of the first time my kidneys failed, except the pain is not as great and I am more hydrated. In other ways, I am not quite sure if I am imagining symptoms.

When I was first ill in 2003, my symptoms were so over the top that Otto and I knew that something was very very wrong. It’s not so clear-cut today. As a good friend said to me this weekend, “You knew it would happen.”

Yes, I am not sad that I can see the slide. I am ready for it. I just wanted to do so much more before I was too sick and too tired to continue.

But I procrastinate.

Dragon Boy is 80 percent edited and will be ready for readers soon. (Second in the Hilda’s Inn series). I have the second in the EJ Hunter series done except for the first edit. I have a lot of other books on the burner, waiting for me to put my butt in the chair and write.

Plus I have been reading about remote viewing, aliens, and hominids. I can just see one of my future stories with a Bigfoot remote viewing aliens and trying to get the message out to normal folks. Would a Bigfoot have to shave to fit in with our society? Damn, there is enough tall people nowadays that they could probably even get a job. Obviously my muse is chewing on this one right now.

What has been helping me as I watch my health slide is QiGong. I feel the energy in my hands, torso, and feet as it travels through my body. I try to breath as one. I work on loving kindness meditation and now I have people tell me that it is lovely to see me smile again.

So–

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you be at ease.

 

A candle for health

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Last week my nephrologist started to prepare me for dialysis. She said that I needed to be ready when my kidneys failed. The kidneys had lasted a very long time. They had started to slide.

Part of the preparation for dialysis would be to have a stent made. Apparently it takes one month to get the appointment for the stent, and then it takes three months for the stent to mature so it can be used.

In the beginning days of my disease, (you can find the book here), the doctor put a heart catheter into my neck. My late-hubby held my hand, while the nurse put a shot in my neck, and then the doctor slit my throat and pushed in the plastic tubing.

I don’t want to go through that again. First it was scary. Second it hurt. Third my neck rubbed raw from the tubing after over four weeks of use. My late-hubby told me he didn’t want to go through it again either. He watched the entire procedure and almost fainted. It wasn’t because of the blood, (there was very little). It was because they were cutting into his wife– me– and he was watching.

Last week I did negotiate with the nephrologist. If my kidneys didn’t stabilize, then she would order the stent in September. I know most of you know this from a post on Facebook. When I came home that day, after the news, I cried. The well-wishes and prayers were a blessing to my aching soul.

It felt like I was starting down this road again. Two years ago it was with my late hubby, and now it is the same road I started in 2003.

So I am eating more cabbage and less protein. I got rid of corn syrup, processed products, and sodas almost a decade ago. I added turmeric and more omega 3s. I am more diligent at drinking large quantities of water. Still it feels like there isn’t much I can do to stop the slide this time. There are no drastic changes to make to my eating and drinking habits. I will NOT give up coffee.

The only real change I can make is to meditate. It helps to put my mind in the present moment and not into the future of pain, kidney failure, and dialysis. Yes, I am noticing more pain. Yes, my muscles are less forgiving than they have ever been. And yes, I am cramping more.

But all of these symptoms can be caused by taking chemo. I can even blame my age.

Today I asked for health and lit a candle. For a moment my brain quit thinking and I felt peace.