Wednesdays are for poets

I am lost
in a maze of dreams
under the covers
of a midnight moon.

My breath died
on the down pillow
as I sank beneath
the weary sky.

One day I may rise
and touch the feathered clouds.

One day I may fly
amid the burning stars.

Cyn Bagley 2008

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I’m tired from the weekend

IMG_0109It’s been an interesting weekend as in the curse “may you have interesting times” interesting.

Foxy, my little dog, started coughing on Thursday afternoon. It sounded like croup– or as one of my friends pointed out like kennel cough. I took her to the Vet the next morning and she sounded okay to the vet. Still he gave me an antibiotic and a cough suppressant.

By Saturday and Sunday, she was coughing even more with the meds and she had a stomach ache. I learned from her that if a dog starts licking the carpet and eating grass that these symptoms point to a hurting stomach. I have a first aid book for dogs that has gotten me though a lot of problems with Foxy. She once got stung on the noise and her nose swelled twice its size.

The first two years I had her, she was stung on the nose, she had pancreatitis two times, and she stepped on a devil’s thorn (puncture vine seed)  that infected her paw. So you can tell that I needed that first aid book. Plus she went back and forth to Banfield hospital quite a few times.

So when I realized she had a hinky stomach, I immediately opened that book to stomach issues and vomiting. I was surprised that it suggested using Pepto Bismol for vomiting or an upset stomach. It even gave me how much I could use by dog weight.

I did use it and we were able to get through the weekend without her licking every fabric in the place. Also when she realized that the nasty tasting stuff helped her stomach, she was willing to take it. I had to put the stuff in my hand to get her to lick it off. The things I do for my little dog.

Anyway, this weekend took my mind off of Wednesday. I just found out that my kidneys are degrading again and it looks like dialysis is in my near future. I may have been worried about my dog, but she did keep my mind off of my own troubles.

I’m glad to say that she is coughing less today and she has more energy. In a few days, I’ll let her socialize again. For now I’m pleased to say that her sickness was not more serious.

Pain and writing don’t go together

First when my hubby was preparing for death, and I was denying it and fighting for his life, he told me that between Social Security and DFAS I would have enough for rent and utilities. I would have to come up with a way to get food and the other things I needed by writing.

Well, I am still in the process of Social Security. DFAS decided to rule against me. I am sure my hubby is spinning in his urn. They will probably be getting scrooged about now. The only group that came through and it is still not enough for my living expenses is Nevada State. May they have a glorious and restful Christmas.

The pain of losing him as my friend and support system has been overwhelming. You see, I have a lowered immune system because I take chemo to keep my disease, Wegener’s Granulomatosis, under control. It is a sneaky disease because it affects the medium to small blood vessels. In my case it affected the blood vessels to my kidneys causing them to fail. I have been living on Stage IV kidney disease for eleven years now. I have done everything right– stayed away from sick people or even normal people who get sick during flu season, keep washing my hands with purell and antibiotic soap, and taking my pills and vitamins. Still I am not in the hospital or hospice with staff cleaning my butt and driving me around. So why am I not working? I have a lowered immune system which means that even a healthy looking person can make me sick.

So this stressful situation with the loss of my mate has made it hard for me to write much on my novels. Yes, I have three in production, but I am stopping about halfway through. There are times when my brain just won’t do anything. It refuses– emotional pain turns into physical pain. I do have a lot of physical pain as well.

Before I got the memo that working was bad for my health, I tried to work two years after my diagnosis. I worked six months as a loan officer in a small office. My clients were over the phone. It took only that long before I started to show kidney failure– confusion, cramping in my legs and arms, vomiting, and overwhelming fatigue. My late-hubby got a job in Carson City, which saved my life. The rheumatologist put me immediately on cytoxan again because I was failing rapidly. He told me that if I worked that I would cut my life short. My grief tells me that I should have done it. But, my hubby was glad that I stayed home. He worried about me.

I am back in the situation with new doctors and having to justify why I can’t work in an office and talk to people on the phone. Besides the emotional pain, my joints hurt, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my ankle hurts and that is only because I have been around too many new people in the last three months.

It interferes with my writing. Interferes big time. Pain stops the creative process. Pain is now my companion.

These last few days

raven crossstitch 6 2014These last few days have been extremely stressful. It feels like I am being sucker-punched over and over. So that is all I am going to say about this foray into medical other than I hope I can stay well as I help the hubby.

So when I am really stressed, I cross-stitch. My writing has taken a major hit–sorry– and I hope I’ll be able to concentrate enough to write something after Monday. The cross-stitch piece I have been working on– I think I have said it here– is a stylized Japanese raven with Katana. I am posting a picture that I took when it was half-way done. For my sins, it is hard to tell what it is, but every stitch is stitched which makes it more a tapestry than a normal cross-stitch pattern.

My hubby and I will have to make some hard decisions after Monday. Wish us luck, good thoughts, and if you pray– please keep praying for the hubby.