I have always been a future-oriented person. I make goals.
I do know that a lot of my anxiety comes from when I make a misstep or when I can’t reach those goals.
Also when I was making most of those goals, I was in my teens and early twenties. I thought I’d be dead before I reached fifty.
Well I almost reached that one at 41. But because I had this feeling that I wouldn’t last the long term, I had always had this feeling that I needed to pack as much life into my remaining minutes and seconds as possible.
I did get a new lease on life at 41. It wasn’t the life I had before because I didn’t have the energy to really live. What the disease did to me was to take away my future. I had a future planned out where my late-hubby and I would buy an RV and spend the last of our days driving through each of the continental US States.
Up to 41, I had been able to make a goal and accomplish it. I even earned my degree at forty. Life couldn’t be better.
It is a hard switch to go from no future to staying in the present. It is still one of the hardest things I have ever done was to realize that all of my minutes and seconds are numbered. My future is filled with cancer and dialysis. If I think of the horror show ahead, I will falter. I can’t.
I have been lucky. I have a fellow traveler in my quest for the present. My sweet Foxy doesn’t live in the future and doesn’t dwell in the past. She is here and now. When we walk, we feel the breeze and the sun’s rays.
She wags her tail the entire time we are walking. Her joy fills me with happiness. She is my mentor in this new path I travel.